just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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