Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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