In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
