you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
