I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
