Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
