My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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