I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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