i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
