so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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