i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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