She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
