Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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