i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
