you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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