Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
