I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
