sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
