You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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