someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
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