Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
