I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
