Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
