I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
