Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I need a beard to bite.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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