so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
