Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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