My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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