1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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