how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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