I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
