So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
