dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
