Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Buhtt sex?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i came on her dog
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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