Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
