were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
