It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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