So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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