you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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