Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Randomize
