She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
