margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
