All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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