Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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