sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
