can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
