I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
