my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
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