Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Who put my cat in the fridge?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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