I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
